Handling Rejection in the College Application Game
By Christina McDade, High school counselor and ISCA Taskforce Member
Every year I get the perfect student, who researches and takes the time to curate a list that is reflective of their choices and decisions, made for the very moment to guarantee admittance to their first choice school.
Everything is ready before November 1. The essay’s curated to an inch of perfection. And then all the hope is sent off with that one application. That one chance of entry.
Then, right before winter break, that student gets the email to click the link that says that they’ve been “waitlisted” or “denied”. What a way to start a vacation!
Students are used to different levels of rejection everyday, but the particular student who has curated their high school career around this one moment in time to be accepted to a perfect school, is the hardest student to counsel during those moments, because for once in their lives they cannot control the outcomes. For the first time for some of them, someone is passing judgment on them without knowing who they are.
Those are the tough conversations.
Over the last 10 years of doing college counseling internationally, the conversation around handling rejection or the dreaded waitlist, for the academically perfect student, is one of the toughest I have had to have. However, over time, I have learned a few things that may be helpful as you continue on this journey of supporting students in the college process. I will state that this is a process that lends itself to applying to the US mainly along with any highly competitive programs in the UK and Europe.
1. The work starts in 11th grade. Preparing the student and the parent/guardian for rejection means having a frank conversation about selection. Leaning on data is very key to laying a foundation of understanding that not every kid will be admitted. A prime place to go is to any About Page on a university website where they tend to post the stats of the incoming Freshman class. Schools do tend to post the percentage of students admitted, the diversity, etc. As students build lists for application, make them (and their parents), write down and note the acceptance percentage.
2. Be a realistic encourager. That is definitely hard for counselors, but the language is something that takes work to become more comfortable. A realistic encourager is giving praise with a shot of reality. When I have that talented student in front of me, I always give them encouragement, but also state clearly, “the only reason why a school is seen as selective or tough, is because other students just as talented as you are applying to the same places.”
3. Set an internal deadline in your office. These students tend to pour over every single detail over and over again, and part of the application process is doing what you can and letting it go once it’s done. An internal deadline allows for students to know your boundaries in reviewing and sending documents, while also giving them a deadline to do what they can and let it go.
4. Send an email after the first round of applications to students and parents. This is done as a piece of reassurance and that you are supporting their journey. In a way, this email closes the chapter on doing the application. I often state in those emails that the process will often give students what they need, not what they want.
5. Allow them time to grieve. After all the hard work, if a student is denied, allow for them to grieve this loss. It really is a loss and they need time to feel it. For some, this is the school they dreamed of for a long time. Huffington Post shares a helpful article on what to do when denied.
6. Encourage moving forward, especially when a school is on a waitlist. This is hard because some students want to bargain their way into an acceptance, and it simply does not work that way. Instead, this goes back to Step 1: reviewing their lists and making choices.
If a school is on a waitlist, assure them that first semester reports will go out.
7. Finally, have students focus on gratitude. I spend the first month after the Winter Break getting students to focus on gratitude activities. There are so many available from ISCA, but I also encourage the use of the Action for Happiness calendars, which gives small tasks a day to cultivate gratitude. Shifting the students’ energy helps in handling perspective.
These may seem like simple tasks, but we forget that sometimes simplicity is what is needed in these highly nuanced times. At the end of the day, I say with all sincerity to my students, that the decision is not about them and that it’s the university’s loss that they missed out on a great student. A little encouragement and support is what they need ultimately to move forward and prepare themselves for a school that is best fit and where they will be successful.
PS– for a little fun, there is a Rejection Simulator that students and parents can engage with just to have a bit of fun and also to keep things in perspective. Please check it out here.